How Leaders Shut Down Gossip
Gossip is something we face everyday. It is alive in nearly every workplace, friendship, and family. How we deal with gossip is a key driver in creating the kind of culture we desire in these complex systems and relationships.
We all come face-to-face with gossip regularly. Gossip is squirrely and hard to eradicate.
When someone is sharing gossip with us, we often don’t want to shut it down because it is titaliting, intriguing, and we want to be in the know. In these moments, it is essential to remember that gossip is information that is not absolutely fact-based. Gossip is also at the expense of someone else. By taking it in you are engaging in a behavior that doesn’t contribute to positive, healthy culture.
If you are someone who wishes work culture was more positive and valuing, and you aren’t setting strong boundaries around gossip, you are part of the problem.
The Facts of the Problem
Fact #1: It is hard and uncomfortable to tell someone who is gossiping to stop. At best, you don’t want to hurt their feelings or damage the relationship. And at the worst, you don’t like the person being talked about and you really want to see them fail.
Fact #2: Gossip must be stopped.
Fact #3: Sometimes gossip is framed as in “I’m telling you this because I think you should know” or “I’m telling you this because I really care”. It doesn’t matter. If it is not fact-based, and not the person’s story to share, it is gossip. And gossip is damaging.
Fact #4: Leaders and managers believe they want to hear the gossip so they know what is going on. Gossip is an inaccurate assessment tool. You can easily become distracted if you spend time trying to figure out how to take action on gossip.
Fact #5: The only action to take is to tell the person sharing the gossip to stop. Have you ever started to cross the street with a small child? Traffic is coming. You don’t hint, or sugar coat it. At that moment you tell them “Stop!” That’s how you deal with gossipers. “Stop!”
Fact #6: Leaders must make sure that they themselves are not engaging in or entertaining gossip. If you need a confidant to vent or explore assumptions with, get a coach or therapist. Don’t rely on someone within your work environment.
Fact #7: As a leader or manager you must make absolutely certain that you are setting clear expectations that gossip will not be tolerated as part of the work culture.
How to Set Clear Expectations
Make sure that your mission and the top goals are front and center. Here is an example from an elementary school.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to foster a school community that inspires our students to reach their greatest potential in order to become productive members of the family, school, community, and world.
VISION and VALUES
This school strives to function as an effective professional learning community, grounded in a culture of best practices, in partnership with family and community to help our students become successful members of society through problem solving and independent thinking. In order to achieve this vision, we are committed to these values:
- Provide an environment where all feel safe, both emotionally and physically
- Dedicate ourselves to applying best instructional practices
- Encourage, challenge, and empower students
- Ensure that all students experience success
- Model and promote positive character traits
- Collaborate as teams to make data-driven decisions
- Create an engaging, learning environment where successes are celebrated
- Build on individual strengths, hold high expectations for all, and empower students and parents to become accountable for their education.
Nowhere does it say “we value gossip”. No reasonable person could rationalize that gossip is a good way to achieve this kind of a culture or help students become successful members of society.
I was recently asked: “I know that a staff member is spreading gossip and it is hurting the culture of our organization. She isn’t talking directly to me but I have been told by several people that she is spreading false or exaggerated information regularly. How can I address this?”
I’d begin by making sure the values of your organization are front and center. Go over them in meetings. Call attention to people you see moving those values forward. Focus on the positive.
Have a one-to-one feedback conversation with the person.
Here’s an example of what you might say: “I want to have a conversation with you about a behavior I’m hearing about that doesn’t align with our values or help us achieve our goals. I’ve been told that you have been engaging in gossip. If this is true, it needs to stop. Breaking a dependence on gossip can be difficult but I’m here to support you. What help do you think you might need?”
Now the person will likely get defensive, deny the behavior, or demand to know who told on them.
You can reply with, “I get that this is a tough conversation. We are not talking about others. We are talking about how important it is that you are someone who positively contributes to the kind of workplace culture that best helps us all achieve our goals and fulfill our mission.”
If someone is really upset or not able to hear feedback.
My rule of thumb is to repeat the same message 3 times. If there is no progress on their end, then say, “I can see that you need some time to reflect on this. Let’s meet again on Wednesday. Please bring some thoughts on how you intend to make a shift in this behavior.”
It is important to understand that you can’t change their behavior.
The only person you can manage is yourself. They must be empowered and accountable for making the change. This may be the first of many conversations you have to have, but hopefully not.
Gossip is present nearly everywhere, but it does not have to be. It is up to the leader to model the behavior they desire in others and then give clear feedback when gossip is present.
Does your team know and agree to the Mission Statement, Values, and Vision of your organization? How are you setting clear expectations for your team?