Managing Defensiveness

Maybe you can relate to this sentiment:

Beth, I don’t know what to do about my employee. Every time I try to talk with them, they are so defensive!

Or maybe you are the employee who finds yourself being defensive. Or perhaps you are the supervisor who finds your attempts at giving feedback are met with defensiveness.

The problem is, the feedback scale is out of whack.

Did you know that it takes hearing at least 17 affirming statements to balance the negative charge of one critical statement?

If you want your employee, or yourself, to be less defensive, make sure you are dropping affirming statements on a 17:1 ratio. 

Affirming statements are easy, they cost you nothing, and there’s a big payoff in terms of creating a soft place for tough feedback to land.

• “Nice work getting that project done on time.”

• “I heard you on the phone with that customer. You were very helpful to them.”

• “That was a great idea in the meeting this morning.”

Affirming statements are not just for boss to employee communication. 

No matter your role, if you’re feeling defensive, test out some simple, sincere affirming statements to those above you.

• “I noticed how hard you’ve been working to figure out the CV19 changes.”

• “That was a smart idea!”

• “The way you work with tough clients is impressive.”

Sharing sincere, affirmative statements promote a positive culture.

Being a contributor to that culture will shift your mindset away from self protection mode and towards empowerment.

Give it a try, make it a practice, and let me know what you notice -- in yourself and in others.