Reciprocity: The Heart of Coaching
Coaching relationships are sacred spaces. In these relationships, the person being coached trusts the coach to:
See them in moments of great vulnerability without judgment
Hold their thoughts, hopes, and struggles as they process and plan
Provide accurate, honest, and firm feedback when warranted
Respect that the choices they make and consequences they're willing to face are their own
As a coach, I must:
Accept what is shared with me as the truth in that moment
Ask probing, relevant questions that expand thinking
Coach the person in front of me now, not the person I hope them to be
Be realistic about my own capacity, strengths, and skills
Recognize what is and isn't my business
Hold the client accountable
The relationship is reciprocal. I show up fully for the client, and the client shows up for themselves and for me.
I once had a wonderful client—almost ideal—who was working with me on her communication style. Her personality was like a wild, determined Shetland pony (if you know Shetland ponies, you know they're strong-willed, smart, and have a mind of their own). That was Anna.
During one session, Anna kept interrupting me. She said, "I'm sorry I keep interrupting." I responded with, "That's okay."
Anna was quick to retort, "No, it's not. Don't let me get away with that."
That moment will stay with me forever because I learned something about myself. Despite often receiving feedback that I'm firm, frank, clear, and honest, I realized I'm also capable of slipping on my end of the reciprocity agreement.
On Labor Day weekend, Anna passed away unexpectedly. We'd worked together for a year, meeting nearly every other week.
The relationship between a coach and coachee is unique and complex. As a coach, you're privileged to have a deep look into a slice of who a client is—what they hope for, where they want to grow, what they fear, and what they value.
I'm deeply appreciative of, and honored by, the reciprocity in my relationships with all my clients— past, present, and future.
Anna and I were to have our last call in just a week. She wanted to discuss preparing for retirement in a year, focusing on doing so with integrity and honor. She aimed to ensure her company would be fully prepared to fill her role and provide all necessary tools to her successor.
I will miss her, but she will live on in my dedication to showing up in each coaching relationship, fulfilling my commitment, and being fully present—without judgment and with accountability.
Thank you, Anna.