How to Stop the "Should" Shovel
Many people experience an excess of strife by constantly responding to the shoulds in their life.
I Should, You Should, They Should
When we use the word “Should”, it invites all kinds of outside pressure, and it negatively influences our connection with ourself and with those around us.
Have you noticed how “shoulds” frequently manifest as statements of what others believe “is best,” yet they really just restrict and minimize us?
What Shoveling “Shoulds” Looks Like
I was having dinner with a couple who’ve been together for many years; I’ll call them Dan and Trisha. We were talking about an exciting kayaking workshop they were going to be taking soon. They were so full of joy about the impending trip when the conversation turned into this:
Dan: “Hey you know, that kayaking workshop is coming up really soon.”
Trish: “Yeah, I know. You should call for directions.”
Dan: “Oh, yeah, I can do that.”
Trish: “And we need a to get some more supplies. You should double check the list.”
Dan: “Okay, I should probably go over the instructions one more time and practice some of the skills. I hope I’m ready. I should be better by now.”
Trisha : “I know, I should probably get out on the water one more time and practice drills. And you should think about seeing if your brother can work with us a bit more. What if everyone else is in the group is ahead of us?”
Dan, getting more and more deflated by the mounting task list: “Yes. I should get in touch with him. Why did we decide to do this now? There isn’t enough time to be ready.”
Their conversation began with excitement about the event and devolved into an increasing amount of pressure born of obligations and looming responsibilities.
Suddenly, Dan said, “Hey, wait a minute. Stop shoveling shoulds!”
Then they both dissolved into peals of laughter.
Dan explained to me that “shoveling shoulds” is the terminology they use to stop language where one person creates expectations without prior agreement by the other person, setting the stage for frustration, anger, and resentment.
They then made a commitment to sit down the next night to create a prioritized list of all they desire to get done before they leave and to brainstorm options to collaboratively move through the list.
Where “Shoulds” Show Up Everyday
Well-meaning social media posts fuel thoughts of “I’m not enough” and foster thinking errors like “I should be doing more” or “I should be trying harder”.
Millions of marketing dollars are spent by businesses trying to motivate the public into buying products and services — often with promises of making you “feel better”. The reality is that those images and messages more often trigger an “I’m not enough” feeling, and it’s having devastating effects on the public’s mental health and wellness.
“Should” takes us out of being in the present moment and it moves us to either the future or the past. We lose our connection to what is happening right now, taking us further from—not closer to—our best selves.
What’s Lurking in the “Shoulds”
Think of the last time you used the word “should” as in “I should” or “You should.”
What were you fearing?
“Shoulds” are a result of unhealthy conflict, resistance, fear, and regret. I know there are many times I hear myself saying, “You should…” and then I quickly realize that I use it out of fear the other person will make the wrong decision. I have no evidence they will make the wrong decision because they’ve been making great decisions in their lives for many years. The important detail here is “their lives.”
5 Steps to Drop the “Shoulds” Shovel
Practice hearing the word “should.” Listen for it. Notice it. Become aware of it.
Before you dismiss the word, notice how it feels in your body when you hear it or say it.
Consider if the language has you feeling constricted and limited or expansive and free?
Play with ways to reframe or use language that feels positive, expansive, and freeing in your body.
Ask clarifying questions like: “Why shouldn’t I?” “Or why should I?”, creating an opportunity for choice and options.
How Do You Turn It Around?
I am still working to not “shovel shoulds” onto the proverbial plate of my own or others. I strive to consciously correct myself by doing a turnaround on the language I’m using and to notice the thought I had right before I shoveled the should: was it really about control, manipulation, fear, or shame?
The next time you hear yourself shoveling shoulds, try the steps above to turnaround the language.
Here are some examples:
If you hear yourself saying, “I should lose 10 lbs”, reframe it as “I could make choices that would help me lose 10 lbs and here are some of them.”
If you hear yourself saying, “I should stay and work late on that project” reframe it as “If I chose to stay late and work on that project the benefit would be ____.”
If you hear yourself saying, “I should have a larger retirement account by now” reframe it as “I choose to create a plan to increase my retirement savings now, and here is a list of simple ways I can cut back expenses and increase savings.”
“No Shoulds Allowed”
I invite you to begin a conscious practice of directly and clearly rejecting any “should” from yourself or others. For me, when I hear the word should (originating from me or externally), I question it, then change the language or dismiss it.
Should limits possibility, minimizes empowerment, and stunts connection.
Imagine all the new space and energy you will have for creative thinking, innovative problem-solving, and collaboration, helping you to feel better and be aligned with forward movement!
Let’s all lay down that “should” shovel!
-Beth