The Only Person You Can Manage is Yourself
I refer to the core principles of Navigating Challenging Dialogue as mantras. The mantras serve as reminders to question the beliefs that may make you hesitant to initiate tough but necessary conversations. In the NCD Essentials workshop, we discuss which of the mantras most resonate.
The majority of people pick The only person you can manage is yourself. Through hundreds of discussions, what I’ve found is that the people who pick this particular mantra are people who say, “I don’t like to make other people unhappy.”
I get it. But when we are so focused on the belief that others' happiness (or lack of it) is our responsibility, the work of trying to keep everyone else happy leaves us angry, exhausted, and resentful.
Sound familiar? This is true both at work and at home.
If you’re a compulsive people pleaser, finding yourself bending over backwards for others saying “yes” when you want to say “no” or “no” when you want to say “yes”, here’s an activity that may help you turn this around.
Make a quick list of the 5-8 feelings you wish you could make others feel on a consistent basis. Maybe it’s happiness, confidence, success, belonging, or satisfaction. It’s your list so really go for it!
Now for each one of those, list some actions you could take that would help them feel that way. Example:
Happiness: I could avoid criticizing or bake the cookies.
Confidence: I could tell them all things I notice they are doing well.
Success: I could share with others how they’ve done great work.
For each of the actions you came up with, provide those for yourself. As an example, share one or two things you’ve done well this week with those you care about. Brag a little. Or bake (or buy) some special treat just for you -- and enjoy it.
I find that when we so desperately want to caretake others' feelings, emotions, and potential discomfort, it is because we are avoiding feeling the discomfort in ourselves.
Through this activity, you will begin a practice of filling yourself up with the feelings you so wish for others. As they begin to see you role modeling this form of self-care, attending to your own feelings while speaking your truth in kind and clear ways, they too will begin to take care of themselves.
No one can serve others from an empty bowl!
Of course we all want others to experience positive emotions and feelings. However, there are times when we must have clear, direct, conversations. We must trust others to deal with their discomfort. When we try to deal with it for them, communication is unclear.
If you are like so many others who are always minimizing or compromising what you know needs to be said because you don’t want to make others “unhappy”, then NCD Essentials is the workshop for you.
Registration information is available here:
https://ncdsolution.com/essentials
Remember, the only person you can manage is yourself!
P.S. You can now grab a copy of my newest book, the official handbook to Navigating Challenging Dialogue: Turn this Conversation Around - The 4-Stage Process for Communication with Connection