Turn This Conversation Around
We avoid speaking about what is on our mind because we’re concerned about what others will think of us.
We say “yes” to requests when we want to say “no”. We aren’t forthright with someone who has overstepped a boundary. We don’t state what it is we want or need. All for fear that if we upset the other person, we might lose connection.
Connection is a deep human need.
Our survival depends on connection with other humans. Early on, humans who became disconnected or isolated from their tribe, clan, or community became vulnerable and often didn’t survive. This desire to maintain connections keeps us from speaking our truth.
True and authentic communication is necessary.
Without it, how do people come to truly know you? How does the reciprocity of trust develop in relationships?
The NCD mantra, “The only person you can manage is yourself” serves as a reminder that while others may experience a range of emotions when you speak your truth, you must!
But how can you do that in a way that sets the stage for the best possible outcome?
Simple. By turning the conversation around. Turning a conversation around involves these 4 elements.
What you want for yourself and the other person.
Curiosity.
Empathy.
Discussing facts only.
Here is an Example
Callie has someone in her life who is always late. It is upsetting because Callie’s time is limited. Sitting and waiting feels incredibly upsetting and disrespectful. Callie has made hints and jokes about the perpetual tardiness but still it persists. It is so annoying that Callie considers either avoiding making plans with this person or creating work arounds like setting a plan for 20 minutes earlier than the actual meeting time. But that is even more upsetting. “Why should I have to do all these gymnastics? Why doesn’t she respect my time?”
When I ask why she doesn’t just address this head on, Callie says what I hear so many people say: “I don’t want to offend her or upset her.”
How do you use NCD for the turnaround?
“I really value our time together. I want to be able to continue to get together. (What you want for yourself and others) Many times you are late. (Fact) For me, this takes much of the joy out of getting together, which I really want to do. I know you are busy too. (Empathy) I’m wondering how you think we can remedy this? (Curiosity)
There is always the possibility that the friend might get upset or mad or feel embarrassed or any other kind of emotion. When you are deploying NCD, it is important that you operate from the assumption that the other person is whole, capable, and able to manage their own emotions.
If you avoid, hint, or try to create workarounds, you are operating from the assumption that the other person isn’t capable and you must manage them in a way that they have to be protected from their feelings.
When you are able to have clean, clear, fact-based conversations that include empathy and curiosity, you are taking the steps to deepen connection. You are being forthright and honest in a kind and clear way. You are modeling the act of taking care of yourself and providing space for others to do the same. And, you are empowering others to make choices and take actions that contribute positively to the relationship -- be it business or personal.
This is the power of Navigating Challenging Dialogue - it provides space for you to speak your truth and for others to make choices about how they want to respond to that.
What conversations are you resisting because you are carrying the burden for caring for others emotions so they don’t have to?